I’m sitting at a hotel restaurant bar, having dinner on my own, reading on my phone. There’s a couple next to me and I can tell they’re on a first date. They’re facing each other, he’s sitting with his legs wide open and his body language is cocky, and she’s sitting with her legs crossed away from him. There’s a weird tenseness and you can tell they don’t know each other very well.
Here’s the thing they definitely did not realize. I fucking love dating. First dates, especially. Both my own and overhearing others.
He is literally talking all about himself. He’s not asking her any questions at all. He’s so impressive because he taught abroad. “The culture is just soooo different in Morocco. OH, you’ve never been?! Oh, WOW, you really MUST go! Wow, I can’t believe you have never been to Morocco. Wow you are really missing out.” That’s great dude. We all LOVE some douchebag that studied abroad and then acts simply SHOCKED when not everyone has had the same life experience as him and condescendingly recommends travel, you’re doing great sweetie.
This jabroni just continues to talk completely about himself, and he clearly thinks he’s just wow-ing this girl, just knocking it out of the park. Meanwhile, her responses to his incessant bragging are monotone, “wow”, “amazing”, and “whoa”.
Now that she has a pretty clear idea of how amazing and impressive he is, she tries to talk about herself, as he has asked nothing about her. She mentions she is from Wisconsin. She starts talking about her family briefly, until he cuts her off because he does not care about her personality or anything at all about her and wants to talk more about himself and how impressive he is. It is amazing of him and she is SO LUCKY to hear more about his very cool life.
Everything is realllly coming together in his life right now. It’s amazing for him, he says. Me and the girl are ~*sOoOoO iMpReSsEd*~ (she is doing a great job at feigning interest, meanwhile I can face my food and roll my eyes, since I’m not technically a part of this date).
He’s going to New York soon. It is AMAZING. “I LOVE the big apple, have you ever been?” he asks, clearly just so he can pull the ol’ Morocco move again from earlier. “Yeah, I have! I went last spring with some friends, it was great we saw Times Square and –” “OH! SO not the REAL New York then.” Her trip doesn’t matter, it’s not as cool as his trip… also, don’t call it the “big apple”, you douche.
What’s this?! A story development! He starts explaining his visits to New York and it sounds like… well… it sounds like he was there because HIS EX LIVED THERE AND HE VISITED FREQUENTLY. Oh honey, no. NO. He literally pulls out his phone to show her pictures of this chick’s instagram so she can see her life in NYC… RIP this guy.
Well, maybe it isn’t his ex… I mean he never explicitly stated that it was… but I think I’m right. Anyway, now he’s making her listen to the New York girl play the fucking recorder (I wasn’t even aware people still did this????) Like, he turned the volume up on his phone and held the end of it up to her ear. I could hear it a seat away. That was not necessary, bro.
“I’ll delete her if it bothers you.” Yep, I was right. Definitely an ex. “Uhhh no, it’s fine…” she says. This is a first date after all, little soon to be demanding boundaries with ex lovers, or hey discussing ex lovers at all.
He’s still talking about his ex. He literally cackles because his ex’s apartment didn’t have a doorbell. WOW, SO HILARIOUS, LET’S ALL LAUGH, GREAT HUMOR TO BRING TO YOUR FIRST DATE DUDE. She also laughed. I think she deserves an Oscar.
I glance over and see that her drink is still full. I am now convinced that this old fashioned is the only reason she is still here. It is also worth mentioning that he has not removed his jacket AT ALL for the duration of this date. Is this an audition that he’s ready to leave at any moment if she talks about herself too much?
OUCH. He asked her on a second date. She declined but in like a subtle way:
Him: “there’s a German beer night next week by my apartment if you want to go.”
Her: “Ah, unfortunately, I won’t be able to –“
Him: “Wellll it’s GERMAN beer so like…” and he proceeds to mansplain German beer to her as if her disinclination to meet him again was due to the type of beer and she simply hadn’t understood. EWWWWW. He even showed her pictures of the bar on his phone and is talking so much about it and explaining German beer that she can’t get a word in.
He excuses himself to the restroom. I look over and consider saying something but when I look at her, I see this goddess CHUG HER ENTIRE DRINK, put her coat on, thank the bartender and BOLT. She is my hero.
He came back and acted like it was fine, but tried to look around for her. She left him with the tab. Good thing he left that coat on, so he was ready to pay it and go. Is this the same or different than dating in Morocco, my dude?
I love a good date night.