I loved bartending, really. But some of you really need help with your orders, y’all.
Please reference my hypothetical bar’s menu, below.
The “just make me something fun”: double tequila shot, no training wheels
The “what’s good here?”: grenadine in a martini glass. Why? You just asked me what was good here. Think this through. What do you think I’m going to say? I mean really? “Wow, good thing you asked me that. Everything on our drink menu is absolute shit, but we do have a secret menu so that you can have something good! NO, everything is good, that’s why we make these drinks and sell them for a profit. This is also subjective. So drink your red sugar like the child you are.
The “something that doesn’t taste like alcohol”: double shot of 151 because this is a bar not an artisan juice shop.
The “whatever you like!”: A lecture about making your own choices. This isn’t about me. It doesn’t matter what I like. I’m not drinking this drink. This is about you. What do YOU like? Also, a beer, because that’s what I like. Oh… you’re gluten free? WEIRD, that’s why it isn’t about what I like.
The “what she’s having” gesturing towards a woman you’ve not spoken to: I’ll throw a water in your fucking face because it isn’t my job to be your wingman and you just stop right there mister, say hi like a normal person.
The “yeah hi can I get some service” *proceeds to ignore bartender and then turn around and ask 5 people what they’ll have and getting a “oh I haven’t even looked at the menu yet!” About 5 times and then asking a million questions*: a walk away and air and oh shoot, has my hearing suddenly gone out but only for your group? hate when that happens.
The “whatever is the cheapest”: our most expensive bourbon because no no no, also read the prices like a normal human person
The “whatever will get me drunk the fastest!”: an uber, because let’s face it, I’m going to have to do it later anyway and I would rather skip the part where you get fall down drunk, act a fool, and projectile vomit in our bathroom
The “local craft beer… like I don’t know… an ale”: A quiz about the difference between a lager and an ale since you’re soOoOoO KEWL and knowledgeable drinking only local craft beer. Oh… you don’t know? Budweiser it is.
The “do you know how to make…”: a quick and very audible “NOPE”, because ordering a “surfer on acid” or a “liquid marijuana” is just not something you do past 21 years old.
The “AMF”: an ID check and most likely an escort out.
The “is it happy hour?” (At 7:45 pm): this one is a twist on the “what’s cheap here” and it’s the SECOND most expensive thing we have
Alright so not all of them are cocktails… some are warnings, but that’s just like the vibe of the place, man.