Hello! Welcome to the doctor for your lady parts. Follow us through a series of hallways, as this adventure begins with you peeing into a little Dixie cup and placing it into a cubby with one door next to the toilet and one door that goes to some secret lab (probably) so the doctor can take a looksie at your pee. After this, you may return to the waiting area where you can enjoy articles from a 2 year old “Highlights” magazine.
“Jenna!” Hey! That’s your name! Your turn to come on back, girlfriend! Let’s get your height and your weight. And now let’s get your blood pressure and talk about the weather before we awkwardly segue into what about your vagina/uterus inspired your visit today.
The nurse has all the information she needs about you now, and boy oh boy did you bond over traffic beforehand! “The doctor will be right in, go ahead and undress from the waist down.” Uh oh! Are you feeling weird about sitting pants-less on a medical table in a room alone waiting for the doctor?! Don’t worry! If you look behind you, you will find a MASSIVE paper towel. The biggest one you’ve ever seen. Unfold it, and just when you think, “surely it can’t unfold any more than this”, IT DOES. Just wrap it around your naked lower half. It might tear a little, but that’s just because it’s cheap. It’s fine. Bored waiting? Don’t fret, chica! There’s a “Highlights” magazine in the exam room too! Also, a ton of brochures about std’s and birth control and parenting. Score!
The doctor enters. You tell her all about your vaginal health while sitting at a level higher than her (so that your abdomen is in her line of vision) with no pants and just a paper towel while she takes notes on a computer. It feels fine and normal. You might go over some birth control options (none of which are as effective as a vasectomy, and all of which have more side effects, but this is still YOUR job to figure out because you’re a woman, so do you want super painful periods and potentially uterine polyps, hormonal mood changes that cause depression and anxiety and weight gain, or do you just want to say fuck it and have a baby already and fulfill your role as a woman already?), you might go over your sexual history (which will make you remember all your fun little regrets, and who wouldn’t want to have a random memory of when you accidentally didn’t make Chad from your dorm a decade ago wear a condom as you’re sitting naked on an exam table), you might go over your uterine pain (is it from period cramps, your birth control, hormones, stress, are you dying? NO IDEA, that’s why you’re here, queen!), period schedule (when was the day of your last period aka when was the last time you remember feeling bothered by needing to carry around tampons for a week that for some fucking reason society has taught you you need to hide and check your ass in the mirror for blood stains 8x a day?), all sorts of fun things.
Now she has the information she needs and she will say, “okay, let’s take a look” and she will pull out stirrups from the end of the medical exam table. It’s almost like a fun magic trick! Wow! They weren’t there before but TA-DA, now they are! But you might say to yourself, “hey look far apart!” But it’s okay, all the better to spread you with, my pretty. Do you feel weird about the stirrups? Don’t! They’ve put little pot holders with sunflowers on them where your feet go, so it’s actually cute and you shouldn’t feel like a farm animal anymore, because of the cute little midwestern potholders. “Scoot down to the edge of the table, almost to where you feel like you’ll fall off”, the doctor will say to you as she puts on gloves. This feels fine and normal.
Now that you’re in the stirrups, legs open with a paper towel as the barrier between you and doc, she will shine a massive light onto your lady parts, like she’s grading a fucking diamond over there, and then disappear behind the barrier. FUN! Then, you will see a large metal device and some other tools disappear with her! These look like fun and not at all like a torture devices from medieval times.
Hey, are you feeling weird discussing your job and hobbies with someone who has a metal spreading device inserted inside of you and is rooting around in your Cervix like Indiana fucking Jones? Do you feel oddly like a cow that’s getting artificially inseminated? Thought you might. Don’t worry!! There is some art form Marshall’s home goods (a picture of coral or the mountains typically) next to the exam table. And if you’re REALLY lucky, it will be hung on the ceiling above you so you can stare at it while you lay down and wonder just what exactly is going on down there. Just look at that. All better and not weird at all now!
Oh shit. Did you poop today? Do you feel like you might poop if she keeps rooting around like that? Is that your vagina opening up or is it your asshole? Honestly, hard to tell with all those tools down there. Maybe you will shit yourself right here, right now. Probably not. It’s probably happened before. But it will not happen to you. Well, it most likely will not. The stress of this has you so clenched up that she has to say “just try to relax a bit more” and “can you just spread your legs just a bit more please” 8,000 times.
Eventually the doctor will say she got what she needed. She’s all done and she pulls all the weird devices out of you. She will emerge from the Bounty Quicker Picker Upper cloak of separation and say, “all over! You did great! Go ahead and get dressed” and then she will fill you in on what she discovered about your lady area. She will then saunter out of the room with her notes and you will be left next to a table with all the tools in them. It’s fun to see them, and it’s not weird at all.
Luckily for you, when you stand up, you can feel all the weird medical stuff she put on your vagina. Is it some sort of cream? Blood? Lube? What is it? A MEDICAL MYSTERY, DARLING! Is there anything to clean yourself off with? OF COURSE NOT, but maybe just use that big paper towel! But what you’ll probably end up doing is just putting your pants on and wobbling out of there like you just spent the night with a frat boy who hadn’t been with a woman in a year. It’s all part of the experience, ladies!
Now that you’re done with whatever brought you in, and all you want to do is just get the hell out of there, there is one more task that awaits you! You now have a mission to remember the weird twists and turns that got you here to this exam room in the first place. Was it a left? A right? Fuck, there’s the nurses station, but don’t worry none of them will say anything. For this is your mission, my child. It is you and only you who can find your path out of the gynecologists office, back to the waiting room, out of the building and to your car. You must figure out how to leave on your own. Welcome to womanhood.
Finally you find the exit. You wave goodbye to the receptionist and wonder if you need to stop or not. They do not wave. You assume you may leave, but you kind of hover a bit just in case. No one says anything to you so you just pretend to get a text and leave.
You’re at your car and you’re so proud of yourself for putting your health first! Way to go, girlfriend! And don’t worry. You won’t have to come back here for about a year. Unless you have irregular bleeding. Or abnormal pain. Or think you’re pregnant. Or want to get pregnant. Or your birth control makes you depressed. Or you think you have an STD. <3