• First Date Series,  Lighter

    Crashing Weddings and Prostituting

    Once, in college, I went to a fraternity event in Portland as this frat bros date. We were staying in a hotel, and at one point drinking in a suite that had an adjoining door to another suite. Given that this was a fraternity event, we were drinking a TON and ready to party BRO. Well, after a few cocktails I decided to aggressively bang my fist on the door until someone answered because I heard music on the other side of the door and decided I wanted — no, I NEEDED — to blend our parties. So some man answers, and he’s holding a Korean beer I’ve never heard…

  • First Date Series,  Lighter

    I’ll Delete Her if it Bothers You

    I’m sitting at a hotel restaurant bar, having dinner on my own, reading on my phone. There’s a couple next to me and I can tell they’re on a first date. They’re facing each other, he’s sitting with his legs wide open and his body language is cocky, and she’s sitting with her legs crossed away from him. There’s a weird tenseness and you can tell they don’t know each other very well. Here’s the thing they definitely did not realize. I fucking love dating. First dates, especially. Both my own and overhearing others. He is literally talking all about himself. He’s not asking her any questions at all. He’s…

  • Lighter

    If I owned a Bar: Light

    I loved bartending, really. But some of you really need help with your orders, y’all. Please reference my hypothetical bar’s menu, below. The “just make me something fun”: double tequila shot, no training wheels The “what’s good here?”: grenadine in a martini glass. Why? You just asked me what was good here. Think this through. What do you think I’m going to say? I mean really? “Wow, good thing you asked me that. Everything on our drink menu is absolute shit, but we do have a secret menu so that you can have something good! NO, everything is good, that’s why we make these drinks and sell them for a profit.…

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