• Lighter

    Liquor Store Friendships

    Maybe in my time as a beer rep, I forgot proper liquor store etiquette (which I’m now told is to simply go purchase your alcohol and leave, and not go buy something and drink with the owner for awhile). Or maybe I just love making friends. Anyway, I went into a liquor store on my way home tonight for a bottle of wine and the employee greeted me so warmly and was so sweet. We exchange some small talk at the register as I buy my wine and when my relationships come up casually, he says, “you should talk to me about this! We have a glass of wine!” And…

  • Lighter

    Gynecologist Appointment : An Overview

    Hello! Welcome to the doctor for your lady parts. Follow us through a series of hallways, as this adventure begins with you peeing into a little Dixie cup and placing it into a cubby with one door next to the toilet and one door that goes to some secret lab (probably) so the doctor can take a looksie at your pee. After this, you may return to the waiting area where you can enjoy articles from a 2 year old “Highlights” magazine.  “Jenna!” Hey! That’s your name! Your turn to come on back, girlfriend! Let’s get your height and your weight. And now let’s get your blood pressure and talk…

  • First Date Series,  Lighter

    Crashing Weddings and Prostituting

    Once, in college, I went to a fraternity event in Portland as this frat bros date. We were staying in a hotel, and at one point drinking in a suite that had an adjoining door to another suite. Given that this was a fraternity event, we were drinking a TON and ready to party BRO. Well, after a few cocktails I decided to aggressively bang my fist on the door until someone answered because I heard music on the other side of the door and decided I wanted — no, I NEEDED — to blend our parties. So some man answers, and he’s holding a Korean beer I’ve never heard…

  • First Date Series,  Lighter

    I’ll Delete Her if it Bothers You

    I’m sitting at a hotel restaurant bar, having dinner on my own, reading on my phone. There’s a couple next to me and I can tell they’re on a first date. They’re facing each other, he’s sitting with his legs wide open and his body language is cocky, and she’s sitting with her legs crossed away from him. There’s a weird tenseness and you can tell they don’t know each other very well. Here’s the thing they definitely did not realize. I fucking love dating. First dates, especially. Both my own and overhearing others. He is literally talking all about himself. He’s not asking her any questions at all. He’s…

  • Lighter

    If I owned a Bar: Light

    I loved bartending, really. But some of you really need help with your orders, y’all. Please reference my hypothetical bar’s menu, below. The “just make me something fun”: double tequila shot, no training wheels The “what’s good here?”: grenadine in a martini glass. Why? You just asked me what was good here. Think this through. What do you think I’m going to say? I mean really? “Wow, good thing you asked me that. Everything on our drink menu is absolute shit, but we do have a secret menu so that you can have something good! NO, everything is good, that’s why we make these drinks and sell them for a profit.…

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